The Elephant in the Men's Group. Part 2

Suicide & influence. We need to do better.

Heads up, this post discusses themes of suicide.

In my last post, I discussed the circumstances that led to the formation of Really Good Friends Club - A space for men to share their experiences, talk openly about life’s struggles, challenge traditional masculinity, and hold each other accountable. The group has been incredibly helpful to all of us over the past year; it’s helped me understand that everyone struggles despite how great their life may seem from the outside. It’s been a place to ask for help when guys have been in the midst of a mental health crisis. And, it’s helped me grow in confidence, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and encouraged me to be a better support to those in my community.

But as I sit here today, the overwhelming feeling I have is that this is not enough. Specifically, men need more opportunities to be vulnerable, to learn how to have healthy conversations about mental health, and to build a network that can support one another.

About an hour ago, one of my close friends came over to our house in pieces; she’d just found out that her dad had killed himself yesterday. I’m heartbroken. For her. For her family. And for her dad. I don’t have the words to process this specific situation right now. All I know is, we (society) need to do more to help men who are struggling in isolation.

Initially, this post (part 2) was going to focus on the beginning of our men’s group, the cute awkwardness we all felt when we first opened up to a group of strangers, and how blown away I was by how vulnerable guys can be when you simply give them permission. But recent events have coloured my mood, and although I’m proud of what we’ve created, I find myself frustrated that having compassionate people around you with whom you can share your insecurities, worries, and challenges is the exception rather than the norm.

It’s not the first time something like this has happened, either. Last fall, one of the guys in our group was chatting with his neighbour, the mother of a young man in his early 30s, who she said was having a rough time. We talked about inviting this guy to one of our meetups. A week later, we learned he’d driven out along a service road to the middle of nowhere and shot himself. This still causes the skin over my temples to tighten and makes my heart feel like it’s been beaten down into my gut.

So where do we go from here? Well, I have to take some hope from what we’ve created with Really Good Friends Club. Beyond the internal success of the group, it’s also been an exercise in articulating to my friends and family, many of them ‘men’s group’ skeptics as I was, why men need these spaces and how groups like these can have a positive influence on the wider community. The overwhelming response has been positive. The response from women often goes something like, “Jeez, [insert partner’s name] could do with that.” Men’s responses vary, from quietly staring at the ground, awkwardly kicking their feet, and then looking up with a sort of longing look, as if to say, “I’d love to join you, but I say that in front of my buddies,” to looking wide-eyed and asking questions with genuine curiosity, as if this is something they didn’t know they had the option of doing.

Here’s the thing:

Each of us has an inherent influence on those around us, whether we acknowledge it or not.

Too often, the influence of men on the people around them is less than ideal (this may be the understatement of the century). From the toxic masculinity on display all over the internet and beyond, to the heartbreaking impact on the families left behind when men aren’t able to get the support they need. This needs to change. We need to support men so that this narrative changes and they become a positive impact on those around them.

Which brings me neatly back to this Substack. Our intention here is to continue to share and discuss the evolving ideas around men’s mental health and positive masculinity. How can we make this situation better?

Have you been involved in men’s groups? What was the experience like? What positive outlets have you seen for men to talk about mental health?

Something has to change. Let’s make it happen.