Hey man, wanna be friends?
Really good friends listen without judgement, talk openly, and have a willingness to be wrong. And that just about sums up what we’re doing here. All in the framework of what it means to be a man in this world. We want to share our ideas, add to the discourse, and evolve our thinking along the way. We want to cultivate curiosity, ask big questions, and get your input.
In the labour market, in education, in suicide rates, men are struggling. And young men are far too commonly finding help and leadership in all the wrong places. So how can men step in to be better role models? How can we show up?
If you’re here, you’re curious, and we like you for that. We think you’d be a really good friend. So subscribe, and if it feels right, share this with someone who might be find this helpful.
Let’s introduce ourselves.
Hi, I’m Tom.
I’m a husband and father. I’m a technology consultant. And, like many men, I pick up various hobbies and go all-in on them, the latest one being ultra running.
It’s one of the many questions we find ourselves grappling with, especially as we approach middle age. How did I get to this point in my life? Why am I the way I am?
My belief? It’s turtles all the way down. Determinism. The idea that everything is the result of actions that occurred in the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, decades, even millennia before. But unpacking those seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, and decades is where the answers lie.
While I’ve always ruminated on these questions, they’ve come into sharp focus over the past few years. Maybe it’s having kids and that jarring moment I caught my dad’s voice coming out of my own mouth. Maybe it’s the countless hours spent listening to Rich Roll, Annika Harris, Hakim Tafari and others discuss the human experience and the nature of consciousness. Maybe it’s moving out of the city and quitting my corporate job, affording me the space and stillness to finally pause and take stock of where I am and wonder, how the fuck did I get here?
Most likely, it’s all of the above, plus myriad social, neurobiological, and environmental influences that led me to this curious moment I’m in right now.
This curiosity sparked the creation of a Men’s Group, Really Good Friends Club (more on that, including my hesitation about calling it a “Men’s group”, in another post), a space for folks to come together and have meaningful conversations about humanity, masculinity, and life.
This, then, is the next step in the evolution of Really Good Friends: A space to write about these ideas, to ask difficult questions, to throw ideas out there and be challenged, and hopefully, to help folks support other men in their communities.
There’s another reason for starting this blog. In one of our recent group meetings, I shared that in a world where everyone seems to have strong, overbearing opinions, I often stay quiet. Not because I don’t care, but because I’m still working out what I believe, knowing there’s a good chance I’ll change my mind as I learn more. Honestly, I’m also anxious about being wrong! So it’s easier to sit on the sidelines, safely out of the line of fire, watching the world chew each other out.
Someone in the group challenged me on this. To paraphrase:
“We all have valuable perspectives to share. Keeping them inside is to do a disservice to those who taught us and to those who can learn from us.”
It’s not about having conviction or being right. It’s about discourse. It’s about sharing experiences and learning from each other, and having the humility to admit we don’t have it all figured out.
That’s why I’m here: to learn, to share, to evolve, and hopefully, support others on their own journeys.
“Alas for those who never sing, but die with all their music inside them.”
— Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Hi, I’m Andrew.
I’m a photographer, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author, writer, and lover of dogs and the outdoors. I spent about 20 years travelling, making books, taking pictures, and designing things. My life choices have been consistently antithetical to what was expected, and I guess that’s how I ended up child-free in my early 40s, living a quiet life in a small coastal town.
My career revolves around noticing things. Colour, patterns, details, and little moments that could lend themselves to a page in a children’s book. And while photography (and having a senior dog) taught me to slow down, writing taught me to sit long enough with myself until something honest emerged. Eventually, this led to turning inward, a place where men are too often told to ignore.
This publication grew out of a conversation with Tom, who you just met. I shared something on my other substack called Good Men Needed, about the importance of good men showing up as an antidote to the bullies with the loudspeakers. Tom reached out and we started a little men’s group, something I had mixed feelings about at first. Ultimately, it gave us a space to be honest, to support eachother, and to appreciate both our differences and our similarities.
It’s important for a man to ask himself what it means to be a man. Look, I can bench press double plates, I like power tools and old trucks, I love my big wild dogs, but those are old tropes. True strength is elsewhere. My mistakes define me more than these things ever will. More importantly, the question of what it means to be a man is made up of other questions, like: what do I value, who can I support, how can I support them, and what impact can I have?
This publication, for me, is about exploring what masculinity means to me, and how it might mean something different to you. Ultimately, it’s about asking the question: how does a dude like me, with all of my hangups and flaws, show up for his community, for young people, and more specifically for other men?
This is Really Good Friends, and if you’re here, I hope you’ll join the conversation.
